Baby shoes
by CookieK2
Summary: He lost the most precious thing in his life. GS.


**Disclaimer: **Don´t own CSI or any of it´s characters.

**A/N: **A big thanks to **Come what may** for the awesome beta! Enjoy!

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** Baby shoes **

The doctor looks at me sympathetically.

"I´m sorry Dr. Grissom but there was nothing else we could do."

_This can´t be right. What he is telling me can´t be right. It isn´t supposed to happen. Not now. Not as we were just so happy... _

He keeps on talking, but I stop listening and make my way back towards the waiting room, where the team is waiting for news.

As I approach them they all get up from their seats, but Catherine is the only one to come closer to me.

"Gil?" She already knows what I am going to tell them but her voice is still hopeful, even though my expression must tell them all they need to know.

"Oh my God." I hear Cath mumble before she lifts her arms to envelope me in a hug.

Shaking my head I take a step back, distancing myself enough for her to get the message. I can´t do this right now, her touch would be too much...

"Gil..."

"No." My voice is shaking with emotion but I don´t mind, not anymore. It´s not important that they see how affected I am, I couldn´t hide it anyway.

Before anyone else can say anything, I´ve already left the room. I need to get away. Away from them, away from the hospital, away from the reminders of what I´ve just lost.

I do not notice the tears sliding down my cheeks until I have to stop at a red light and the woman in the car next to me is giving me an odd look, but I still don´t bother to wipe them away.

_How could this happen? How could I let this happen? Why did I let Sara work this shift, she wasn´t even supposed to be there, she was supposed to be home resting... _

Anger at myself is overcoming me and overriding the pain for a moment. My knuckels are turning white as I grip the steering wheel as hard as I can. I want it to hurt, I deserve it to hurt...

The tears still haven´t stopped as I pull up in front of my-- our -- townhouse. Instead of going in I stay seated in the car, looking at the front door; feeling the world, my world, break into a million pieces around me.

The house is dark, just as we´ve left it when we went to work last night.

I´ve lived in this house for more than ten years, but it has only become a home since Sara moved in.

Now it only represents a place of unfulfilled dreams. Dreams I only discovered I had when we started dating - I need to get rid of the reminders, of the things that are left of _her_, of my dreams...

I finally get out of the car and into the house, trying to detatch myself from the situation. That´s what I´m good at, detatching myself. I´m not surprised when it doesn´t work this time.

My mind is still wondering how to handle the situation while my hands are already busy pulling out boxes from our bedroom closet.

_I gotta put her things away; I cannot have them here, not when... _

My mind is slowly going numb as I start boxing her few things. I don´t have to feel the pain anymore and I´m grateful for that. Numbness is overtaking all of my body and I´m only functioning on autopilot, not really registering what I´m doing, not looking at the things I´m putting away. No, it would hurt too much...

When I look at the clock for the first time since arriving here, I have already packed up four small boxes and most of her stuff is gone. I like the illusion that if I don´t have to see it, I´ll be able to forget. And maybe so will she...

As I notice how much time has passed, reality comes crushing back in and I realize I need to get back to the hospital.

I do not want Sara to be alone when she wakes up. And I don´t want her to be alone when she is told that our daughter didn´t make it, that it was too early for her...

The last thing I notice before closing the door are the tiny shoes, standing next to Sara´s in our hallway. I bought them when we first found out that she was pregnant.

_The initial shock of the news had not worn off yet. I had told Sara I needed some time to clear my head and would go for a walk. I knew it hurt her, I knew she wanted for me to be happy about the news but it was all just too much at that moment. _

_So I went to the mall, initially just to people-watch. _

_And then I came across the display of that baby-shop. And as I saw the shoes I couldn´t help but go in. _

_"Looking for something specific?" The saleswoman asked as soon as I entered the store, probably looking a bit lost. _

_"Mmh...could I look at the babyshoes you have displayed in the window?" I asked hesitantly. _

_"Sure." She beamed at me already making her way over to the display window to get the shoes and soon handing them over to me. _

_"They are cute aren´t they?" She asked, her voice high pitched as all women´s voices seem to get when talking about baby stuff. _

_I just looked at the shoes, so tiny, so perfect...I couldn´t imagine a person´s feet to fit into them... _

_"I´ll take them." _

_I don´t know why but somehow at that moment I realised what all this meant. That soon Sara and I would have a baby. Together. And I´d never felt so happy in my entire life. _

_When I got home Sara was sitting on our couch reading some sort of forensics journal. I saw the wet streeks on her cheeks, indicating she´d been crying. _

_"Honey, I´m sorry." I whispered, sitting down next to her and kissing her on the cheek. _

_"I bought something for you." I added, handing her the bag containing my gift. _

_She didn´t say a word as she took it from me and looked inside, a look of confusion on her face. _

_But I´ll never forget how her face lit up when she saw the shoes. _

_"Gil..." _

_"I´d guess our baby won´t be satisfied with just crawling for very long so I thought we´d better be prepared." _

_She just stared at me, tears in her eyes and kissed me softly. _

_"Thank you." _

_"You´re welcome." _

_And so we put the shoes next to ours, always a reminder that soon it wouldn´t only be the two of us anymore. _

_We couldn´t have known it would end this way... _

A story of Hemmingway comes to my mind as I take one last look at the shoes before stuffing them into one of the boxes also:

_"For sale: baby shoes, never worn." _

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**A/N: **Reviews are always appreciated!


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